the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
