She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Congratulations! We have a period
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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