Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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