For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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