So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
