On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
my poor anus
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
