It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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