my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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