I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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