I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
