Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Randomize