sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
