It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
