Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
