dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
