Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
