I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
