genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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