I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
