She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
