goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize