I think i sorta joined a cult last night
In America we eat man semen.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
