I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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