He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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