I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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