oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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