Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
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