The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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