god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
