and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
