At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
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