8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
