we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
