If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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