Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
