I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Can't talk, ducks in the car
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
