you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
bring money and cleavage
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
