We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
