I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize