Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
