i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Randomize
