Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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