Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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