I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
