He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
