I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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