I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
