Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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