Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
