that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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