is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
