I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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