I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
