Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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