the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
